Funny Jokes

No thank you.

try.

probably not.

no, i think u can come up with something

Improvise you're the funny one here.

but i'm running low.

Hmm naw I think you are doing a good job.

lol hey, vids are allowed

I'm more of the slapstick comedy.

eh, its ur turn.

Anymore jokes?

thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

Wow I actually chuckled.

Q. Why was the archeologist depressed?

Spoiler:

ok.

i've actully heard most of those before. love the dead guy one. lol read that one many times.

ok most of them weren't funny.

These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 PM

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason, sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church.

Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock , Arkansas ; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me." (submitted by Luella Long)

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Wh

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Tonight's sermon-"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine . Name Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa ."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly

You Might Be A Redneck If...

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Ok then

nope

Well then you don't know me very well at all.

which is the same thing

Didn't say I don't like them I just said ok now.